Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
