Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
