i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
