I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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