he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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