dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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