actually, I'm a sock model
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
