We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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