I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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