I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
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