My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
