I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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