Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize