Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
