I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
