cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
How does one acquire holy water?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
