also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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