I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
