Im at strip club and am horny
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
