I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
