just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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