Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm not a mortal combat character

(410): View more from Maryland

but my vagina is

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(518): View more from New York

Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.

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(516): View more from New York

ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront

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(905): View more from Toronto

I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??

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(616): View more from Michigan

my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.

(1-616): View more from Michigan

does that include her cleaning your bowl?

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(914): View more from New York

hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early

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(334): View more from Alabama

Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out

(585): View more from New York

It's a post jail date

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(727): View more from Florida

So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.

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