Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
