____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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