bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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