I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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