My first STD was from a foam party
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
