get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
