He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
