i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
