apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I touched a dick in church today
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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