Apparently you make a good broom.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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