I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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