I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize