well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
