My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
