Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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