I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
