This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize