i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize