Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
