The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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