I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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