You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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