i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
