Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
