she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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