yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
being pregnant is like rehab
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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