I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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