I can't watch pbs sober anymore
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize