Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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