I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
