I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize