i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
