Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Randomize
