My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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