Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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