Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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