PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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